Thought Index


Lonely . . .

by Jeff

I feel trapped in a tiny room, 
       all alone, with no doors or windows. 
Every perceived exit has only brought failure, 
              and more lonely days and weeks. 

Every feeling, 
       every urge, 
              every fibre and molecule within 
screams for companionship, 
       to know and be known... 

To have a shoulder to lean on, 
       a friend to laugh with, a lover to love... 
I want someone to come home to, 
       to trade loving touches, hugs, a familiar squeeze. 
A warm body beside me at night, 
       throbbing with the heartbeat 
              of life. 

Someone to sit with me, wrapped in blankets 
       before a fire on a cold winters night. 
Someone to look at the stars with and dream; 
       to walk down a beach at sunset and share 
               the beauty of creation... 
But instead, I'm forced to choose, 
       Between a path of loneliness 
              and a path of death. 

The loneliness aches within me... 
I keep busy, running, 
       making music, 
              seeking friendship, 
                     trying to fill the emptiness, 
                            stop the hurt, 
                                   drown out the bitter music 
                                             of loneliness. 

But the running eventually stops, 
       the music falls silent, 
              friends disappoint, 
And I find myself alone with a 'self' I hate. 

Is death the only way out? 
       I thought so once before, 
              but fear the time I believe so again... 
Can I ever truly like myself? 
              Or does that depend on the shifting sand 
                       of public opinion? 

Silence and loneliness I have come to fear. 
I run from you, but you hound me, 
       I turn a corner and find you hiding.. 
              Waiting to sink your claws into me once again. 
I try and confront you, seek you out, to defeat you, 
       But you are stronger than I and once again win the day. 

I weep before You, my God! I cry out for an escape,  
        an answer, a solution. 
I wrestle for my salvation... 
       But You are silent. 
The hope I thought I'd found withers up and dies 
       in hands that still cling in a death grip, 
              Still hoping, yet already given up. 

You say You came to set the captives free, 
       To give sight to the blind, 
              Hearing to the deaf... 
Yet here I stand, in a world of darkness, 
       Unable to hear Your voice, 
              Trapped within this lonely room. 

Then Your quiet voice whispers peace, 
       Hope reawakens, 
              And I try again.


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